To aid in equilibrium. . .

I'm moody - and thus far our little blog has been altogether too neutral (leaning cheerful), so I'm going to go ahead and let it all dribble out to get things back on kilter.

I 'bugged' Kyle today by half-teasing that I was going to book tickets to fly home. I don't know what brought it on, but I'm sure it has to do with the final decision on the transferring thing. Maybe I just need time to mourn the loss of the possibility, ya know?

When it came up, I made SUCH an effort to remain neutral (look, that word - twice in one entry) and leave the ball in his court. I guess the fact that I didn't do happy, hopeful dances around the kitchen when we were talking about it somehow gave the impression that I wasn't all giddy inside at the thought of the grand ol' USA. I can't help it - I had these thoughts of how full my days would be again. I miss reading (libraries), shopping, mall playplaces, family, parks. There's just this little hole in our lives while we're here in Mexico - and I guess maybe its my own fault for not going out and finding those things that would replace those activities - but being afraid to drive more than a few miles from home (police) doesn't help much in that respect.

So there, I said it. I'm disappointed and it doesn't mean I don't love him, nor does it mean I won't support him. Its just that - disappointment.

And lest it seems that he actually wears the pants - I should note the decision was mutual. There really WERE too many advantages to staying to ignore them (no matter how hard I tried) and we had to go with it. (And that's saying a lot when I reflect on many irrational decision made in days gone by.)

And to top it all off, I can think of a list of 10 things that would make me feel better (maybe short-term, maybe longer) but all of them require a little thing we like to call PESOS - and those are in short supply lately. (Just in our life, not on the economy or anything - don't want to terrify any Mexican investors who are stupidly looking at my blog to assess the weight of their portfolio.)

So let me be moody, hell - let me cry a little.