Sometimes I get on these kicks where I try to imagine my life through someone else's eyes. I don't necessarily sit around imagining what they think of me, in particular. I moreso imagine what they would think of themselves if they had my life. Make sense?? I guess its a game in self-evaluation. Where am I? Do I like what I've become? Where can I improve? You get the idea.
I kind of remember going through the same thing last year when the kids started school. Its like having all 3 of them at home makes my brain busy enough with mothering and domestic duties that it doesn't have much time for self-reflection (yeah, those of you with more than 3 can roll your eyes at me now), so I have to make up for the months when I normally would have been spring-cleaning my thoughts.
In all this evaluating I've realized that I'm really bummed that I have never finished school. I used to think that it was noble of me to work full-time while Kyle went to school and "my turn will come." (as I've said to myself and others so many times.) Lately though, it seems like I'm making excuses for myself or justifying my lack of ambition - so I pretty much avoid the subject if I can. You'd be surprised how often it comes up in the various circles I frequent. And it doesn't help my self-esteem when I realize that I actually know several moms my same age who *did* manage to get their degrees.
Last week I was invited to go to a brunch with the wives of the employees of the American Consulate here in Guadalajara. My friend who invited me apologized later for it being more of the older crowd - she had expected more young moms to show up. It was good for me to go (I always admire this friend for her ability to fit in comfortably in any crowd.) but admittedly awkward. My age, the number of children I have, my age, my lack of profession, my age (you get the idea). . .apparently these are pretty interesting topics.
So what are those other 25 year olds doing? (Oh my gosh, is that seriously how old I am??? Is it normal to feel 10 years older than you really are??) You know *those* 25-year olds? The ones who wouldn't dream of being married with 3 children at their age. I'll sheepishly admit that in my quest to feel better I like to imagine them all with empty, shallow, self-absorbed lives. I usually don't believe me though - so can someone please tell me what I'm missing out on?
Maybe that's why I wish I had a good ol' degree under my belt. Then it would be like this certificate that said I had lived my own life, instead of just bumming a ride while Kyle lived his. (I get this image of me riding piggy-back while he's running a marathon. Like I'm too lazy to run it myself, but I don't want to miss out on the thrill. LOL.)
I know what I do is VALUABLE. I mean, if I didn't take care of the kids and the house, then it would be that much harder for Kyle to do what he needs to do to get through school. But at the same time, the wife of a medical student is at least as much extra work as she is extra help - and from seeing how the single medical students live, I'm not sure I can even say that my help outweighs my work. Now you can add 3 kids into the mix and maybe you see what goes on in my head most days.
I'm having growing pains. You know those little periods of re-adjustment when you realize that everything in life has grown just a little bit, so you're building up the muscles that help you deal with it all. In a couple of weeks I'll be stonger/desensitized (or drunk :p ) and it will all feel normal again. We've just got to get this darn USMLE step 1 behind us.
All of that aside though - I'm ready for their first full week of school. I have BIG plans tomorrow. Last week for the 3 days they were in school I kept busy. Wednesday I had our lunch group, Thursday the Consulate brunch, and Friday I drove to the Centro with a friend to buy some fabric. My big plans for tomorrow include yoga pants, a ponytail, a LONG early naptime for Sullivan and maybe (if I'm feeling saucy) a few loads of laundry (a few loads out of the 10 that await me.) Laundry and centerpiece construction are 2 of the tasks I never want to get *too* good at. That might mean I'm so comfortable in my home-based role that I'll lose my drive to do more.
3 comments:
Hey,try not to worry too much about all this. You are in the right place at the right time. Your family needs you right now. I don't see you as being on a piggyback ride. Do you think kyle honestly would do all of this hard work and go to med school if he didn't have you and the kids. You are partners in this. I admire you for what you do. I don't know if I could handle it. And as for the college thing. It always looks greener on the other side. Even though I did go, I still feel like there is so much more that I want to be and so much that I miss out on because I stay home with my family. But I know that it is not my turn or season. That time will come later. So even though it may seem pretty lame, go ahead and get good at the laundry. Be the best stainer removerer possible. You have to feel good about something you do so why not that. You are amazing and you probably won't believe me but I admire you too. Sound familiar.
I admire you too. You always do a ton for your family... and you juggle everything you have to do so well. I know how you feel too though. I wish I had a degree too. I really want to go to photography school. I know that someday there will be a perfect opportunity for me to go. I'm just waiting for it. I'm sure something will come up in the future. Just keep plugging away. You probably have one of the busiest lives, but you wouldn't know it. You handle it well. I admire you. I don't know if I could keep up if I had to do all you do.
I said it in Beth's blog and I'll say it in yours too. The constant pursuit of trying to be more and do more is what makes us great. The trick is to know that you're still adequate while also trying to be better....if I figure that one out, I'll certainly share my secrets!
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